Our humor columnist could bring everything to the table as the next Otto

Get the latest Syracuse news delivered right to your inbox.
Subscribe to our newsletter here.

My Otto The Orange Cover Letter
Sarah Wells

Syracuse University
900 S Crouse Ave
Syracuse, NY 13244

Dear Otto The Orange Casting Agents (or whomever it may concern),

Upon seeing that you recently had an all-women class of graduating Ottos, I have decided to reach out in the hopes that you are currently recruiting some new, high-energy ladies to play everyone’s favorite orange. I wholeheartedly believe that my experience, along with the fact that I love attention, makes me a great candidate for this position.

In my middle and high school years, I actively participated in theater and drama club, playing many supporting character roles. (To quote my high school theater director, “Leads should have symmetrical faces.”) This experience allowed me to embarrass myself to the point of having absolutely no shame, a skill I think fits the role of Otto perfectly. I’ve also been doing stand-up comedy since November of my freshman year. If you’ve done bad stand-up comedy in a college basement, then I believe you can play Otto with no extra training.

Furthermore, I am very adept at responding to hecklers. Not from my experience with stand-up, to be clear, but from my experience in middle school softball. When I was 14, I had an actual tomato thrown at me once while I was running from third base to home base. I always thought that throwing tomatoes was a myth, but apparently the woman who lived next to the middle school softball field had a garden.

In addition to all of my extracurricular activities, I also am a stellar student. Well, I’ve gotten a C. And maybe a few Bs. Whatever. I’m stellar. This work ethic would definitely shine through in this position and I also promise to never complain if I have to skip class for away games. That’s just the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make for this position.

Like many, my favorite Otto memory is them surprising me on a scooter during my freshman orientation. Let’s just say I’m pretty damn smooth on a Razor. I can ride with one hand, two hands, one leg in the air, two legs in the air. (But not for long. Gravity, am I right?) Plus, all of my work in student films has me incredibly prepared to act in any needed SportsCenter commercials or social media content.

Thank you so much for this opportunity. If you need to contact me, I’ve changed my number to 1-800-LUV-OTTO in anticipation. Even though I’m 5 feet 2 inches tall, please hire me. Verizon will not let me change it back.

Sincerely,
Sarah Wells