Our humor columnist has the best prank ideas for every jokester’s favorite holiday

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Something I LOVE? Very elaborate plans and schemes. Can’t get enough of ‘em. That’s why, as The Daily Orange’s official and only humor columnist (I’ll throw a brick through the window of The D.O. house if they even mention bringing in another humor columnist), I decided to pull off the most impressive April Fools’ Day prank of all time.

I was brainstorming, pondering and practically ripping my hair out while trying to decide how to prank everyone. Put toothpaste-filled Oreos up for grabs in Schine? No, not that. Spray paint “I H8 BOOKS” on the information desk in Bird Library? Gosh, I couldn’t handle another charge for destruction of private property!

At last, I finally knew what to do. The craziest, silliest prank of all time. I can hardly type this without giggling, but here it is… I changed all of the toilet paper in the Life Sciences Complex from three-ply… TO TWO-PLY! Tee hee! Sorry, I couldn’t hold it in.

I mean, can you imagine!? Going to the bathroom, expecting some regular three-ply toilet paper, just to find that you’re using two-ply? Come on, it’s hilarious. I’m not saying to clap for me, but like, you can if you want.

The first thing on the list: go to Costco and buy toilet paper in bulk. Lucky for me, everything in my savings account was enough to cover the 18 packs I planned to buy. Unfortunately, the mean old lady cashier at Costco said it was only three per customer. Good thing I accounted for this. I went back in with a fake mustache, a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, a real mustache, a cowGIRL hat (feminism), sunglasses, regular glasses, blue light glasses, 3D glasses, 2D glasses (which are regular glasses) and just a different shirt. Success.

Finally, my plan was in action. Now, all I had to do was load 18 bulk packs of toilet paper in my Uber driver’s car. He wasn’t very happy when it took me a solid 15 minutes to Tetris everything into the car, but I was one step closer to the coolest prank of all time.

Once I had that all done and figured out, it was now time to go in and do the deed: changing the toilet paper out. I hid in the custodian’s cart at 5 a.m., ready to prank. Each time the custodian went for a new roll of toilet paper, I sneakily handed them one of my two-ply rolls. I actually think he may have noticed, considering he said thank you after each roll I handed him. The sign of a true prank brother.

After a few hours of toilet paper switching, the prank of the century had been completed. I waited outside the bathrooms excitedly for someone to come out and say, “Oh. My. GOD. Can you believe what they had in there? Two-ply. How absolutely ridiculous! How absolutely ludicrous! Who on earth could have done this? What surely infamous prankster could have pulled this off?”

So I waited. And waited. And not one person said anything.

…There may be a possibility that no one noticed the toilet paper. At least I’ll always know how I pulled off the prank of the century. I’ll always know…