Our humor columnist can help you find a job to pay off your student loans
Get the latest Syracuse news delivered right to your inbox.
Subscribe to our newsletter here.
If you attend Syracuse University, chances are you are very familiar with dreaded student loans. It’s hiding in your credit score like some sort of monster that only jumps out to scare you when you’re trying to apply for an apartment rental. I think about my student loans a little too much, and at the worst possible times. I’m pretty sure I could be standing at the altar on my wedding day and start worrying about my last Sallie Mae billing statement.
At this point, I’ll do most odd jobs for some money. Notice how I say most. Don’t email me with some weird stuff like clipping your grandma’s toenails. However, I have come up with a collective list of activities around campus that I’d be willing to do to make an extra buck or two.
This first one is probably the easiest. If anyone from the Barnes Center at The Arch is reading this, I’d love to teach a Zumba class. I have 12 years of adolescent dance classes under my belt, along with raw talent. Just don’t reach out to any of my old dance teachers about it — they’re jealous.
Honestly, though, I’ve taken a lot of Zumba classes and I think I’m more than capable of teaching one. Would most of the songs in the playlist be from musicals? …Maybe. Am I able to do more than 20 minutes of cardio without throwing up in my mouth? We’ll surely find out!
Speaking of cardio, in last week’s column I talked about how active the Otto the Orange mascots are, running around, doing their little tricks and such. We’ve all seen how dirty that suit is. At its worst, it’s Otto the Basketball Your Brother Fished Out of A Mud Puddle rather than Orange. That’s why, for a small fee, I am willing to power wash it. I’ll get my strongest hose (garden), my squeakiest gloves and spray that sucker clean until Otto is orange again.
There’s one email that Syracuse students always dread getting: the horrendous “reset your Microsoft password” threat. That’s why I’ll do it for people. If they pay me, of course. If you tip, I’ll even make your password fun, like “2Sexy4U,” “EasyRDR” or something else you’d see on a personalized license plate. You’ll never be locked out of your Microsoft account again.
I’d also be willing to act as a freelance ID Detective. If you lose your student ID and can’t be bothered to get a new one for $25, you can instead pay me $30 to track it down for you! I have a children’s spy kit from Target and unmatched determination. However, I will laugh at your freshman ID photo upon tracking it down.
With spring break coming up next week, I’ve also started to dabble in the business of travel agency. I have an assortment of travel plans for the adventurous college student: locations include Florida, Canada, Florida, Canada and of course, Canada! I will also dorm-sit for you while you’re off on spring break. I mean, how else are you going to know if your dead plant is okay?
If anyone has any inquiries, please reach out to my professional email listed at the bottom of the page.
