Our humor columnist has tips for you to enjoy her least favorite activity: sports

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There’s nothing like basketball season at Syracuse University. The thrill. The adrenaline. The players. The ball. The net. The court. The referee. The scoreboard. The cheerleaders. The person in the Otto the Orange costume getting heatstroke.

Personally, I like basketball. I think it’s a lot of fun to watch people fight over an orange sphere, like dogs going after a steak. However, it doesn’t mean the initial joy of being in the JMA Wireless Dome with a bunch of screaming fans won’t get old after a while. I can only hear fraternity boys and freshmen chant “LET’S GO ORANGE *clap clap clap-clap-clap*” so many times.

The home games just ended for this season, but I think we need a game plan for next year. So, for those of you who tire easily by watching sports games, or perhaps those whose friends drag you to the Dome in the name of “College ExperienceTM,” I have the perfect boredom busters to keep you busy after the game has lost your interest.

Are you crafty and creative? Then I most certainly recommend bringing some sort of yarn craft to the game. My medium of choice is crochet. Sure, they might not let you bring needles in the Dome and it can be hard to count your stitches over the sound of the cheering, but if you ask the people around you to quiet down a bit, they’re usually too confused to decline.

The same goes for bringing a good book! Want to be the mysterious one in the stands? Then bring your favorite copy of any of your favorite novels! Personally, I prefer the subtle yet cheeky prose of Jane Austen to accompany me to any sports outing. You may ask me, “Sarah. Isn’t bringing a book to a basketball game kind of pretentious?” To which I’d have to answer, “Yes, but it’s less embarrassing if you own it with pride (and prejudice).”

Another favorite pastime of mine? Hypothesizing what songs the players listen to in the locker room to get hyped up. For example, I think Judah Mintz’s would be “C’Mon” by Kesha. The man just seems like he’d enjoy some of the upbeat stylings of Kesha Rose Sebert. Plus, it’s very entertaining to imagine him dancing along to it in the locker room.

If you run out of players, however, you cannot forget my tried and true: eavesdropping. Oh no, the couple sitting in the row in front of you is fighting? Depending on how much one of them messed up, this could provide a whole game’s worth of entertainment. What!? Did he get her regular Pepsi instead of Diet? What a dirty scoundrel.

One other classic game I like to play is “Where’s Otto?” The best part of Otto is that they NEVER GIVE IT A REST. It’s like they get fired if their heart rate goes below 160 beats per minute. You look to your right, they’re at the peak of the cheerleaders’ pyramid. You look to the left, they’re doing backflips off of Adrian Autry’s shoulders. One thing I promise you, playing “Where’s Otto?” will never fail to bring entertainment.

Let’s be honest. Not all of us have the attention span to pay attention to a whole game of basketball. Or soccer. Or football. Especially football, what on earth is going on with the numbers on the field? That’s why this foolproof guide is here for you year-round.