Easter Sunday breakfast is a tradition in my family, but it was difficult to enjoy this year because of my physical discomfort. There’s nothing more painful than being in a loud atmosphere with an excruciating headache and nothing to cure it. After a few moments of complaining, my boyfriend removed himself from the table without any explanation. He came back 15 minutes later with a bottle of Aleve in one hand and my favorite cup of Starbucks in the other.

My boyfriend practices chivalry. In fact, he gives it a whole other meaning: I’ve been delivered cups of coffee on countless occasions; been paid for at nearly every movie; and I’ve even been cooked dinner after a stressful day.

Initially, this sparked confusion — I felt complicated about being in a relationship that seemed to perpetuate such tradition. Being a feminist in a heterosexual relationship means facing issues of a patriarchal tradition, otherwise known as chivalry.

It raises the obvious question of whether chivalrous acts are appropriate or offensive: Do I accept the door-holding and flowers, or reject it in the name of progress? Feminism has provided me with the option of independence and choice, yet in this instance it is easy to get caught up in political ideals and ignore the potential for equality at hand.

Instead of calling his nice gestures chivalrous, I can simply deem them polite and thoughtful. There have been moments when I’ve gone out of my way to display my affection, and I’ve definitely paid for the same amount of meals as my counterpart. It’s also crucial to realize that my boyfriend doesn’t do these things because I’m a woman, but because he cares about me. They’re acts of love, not sexism.

What it all comes down to is kindness, selflessness and the maturity to come to terms with the idea of gender equality in all aspects. Chivalry cannot be gender neutral because it historically stems from patriarchy, but genuine acts of kindness can be. It does not have to oppress or create further chauvinism.

While feminism has done wonders for women’s rights and sparked change over the course of time, it has also complicated my feelings about love and relationships. There are assumed stereotypes and opinions that feminists take on concerning love and marriage. I choose to associate with feminism, which means accepting chivalry is, well, unacceptable.
Courtney Martin and Jessica Valenti explore this idea in their separate blog posts on feministing.com. Martin claims, ‘As with all things thorny and romance-related, it seems like this ultimately has everything to do with your own relationship to the chivalry being bestowed on you. If having my car door opened makes me feel like lover man thinks I’m an invalid, not so feminist. If, instead, it strikes me as his way of expressing that he wants me to feel seen, appreciated, taken care of, it might actually feel like a fairly feminist act.’

It was important for me to realize that there was no need to get my panties in a twist about the Starbucks and Aleve because it had nothing to do with male and female gender roles — it was about a selfless act from one person to another (I love you). I would have done the same for anyone that I cared about and would probably replicate this action in one way or another.

All relationships teach us something new, and I’ve learned that chivalry doesn’t have to be a sexist act rooted in backward ideals. It’s about mutual respect between partners, regardless of gender.  

Krystie Yandoli is a sophomore women’s studies major. Her column appears weekly and she can be reached at klyandol@syr.edu.